So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
