I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
