He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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