is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
