butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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