I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I didn't notice because vodka
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize