Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize