he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
