Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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