Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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