I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
