i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
