when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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