woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
