For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
