No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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