I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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