just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
