She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
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I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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