she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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