I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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