i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
