My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
