I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
