i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
