Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
