We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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