Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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