I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
