me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
