im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
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He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
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I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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