i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hippo gnu deer
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He did a backflip because drugs
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