I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
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Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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