Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
