the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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