New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
