If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
