One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
BRING THE BAGELS
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
