Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it because I queefed?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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