Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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