I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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