how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
