please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
