dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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