I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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