I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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