that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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