We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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