a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
