I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
