He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
