I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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