I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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