how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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