I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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