I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.