Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?