I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
