when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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