I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
