Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
