I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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